Day 14 - 15

so...guess what? finally finished toradora! it was a good ending, im amazed that in the end I didnt cried that much o.O xDD

ahhh

yesterday was pretty interesting, had fun talking to someone and...yeah thats pretty much it

today...the morning was epic! started playing again pokemon with my brother and then ate breakfast...and thats basically it, nothing much...u-u

then yeah...today isnt the best day...its just...boring...

no one talks to me...u-u

somehow I feel as if no one even thinks about me...

que estupido es todo esto

haciendo me illusiones mientras se que en el fondo de mi corazon todo parece mentiras

una falsa vida

y aun asi...continuo con esta vida...

lo siento...lo siento...

Day 13!!!!

hellos~

today is... Wednesday!!! (somehow I keep thinking its Monday...xD)

sooo...the morning started out okay I guess xD had pancakes for breakfast and ended up going back to bed and listen some music~

after that...I got bored xD so I started working out again +.+! xD and yeah...

spent more than an hour in the shower~ nice cold shower~ xD

I love my dolphin-kun~ (one o f my plushies xD)

ahhh~ the amazing thing that happened is that none of the one piece posters fell... o.O (they usually fall at night XDD)

and now im going to watch some toradora!! It's epic, i love it~

and I love the new op!! silky love~ I'll probably upload the song here ._. xD

anyways~

last night I discovered how everything works...:

emo - depressed - normal - happy - hyper - lalaland - fuzzy duzzy fluffy!!!!!!!!!! (this is a new stage that I've discovered +.+)

yeah...random xD

but yeah, last night...was epic~

it made me happy that he liked my status :)

ahhh...~

well, thats it for now, I should study...but.... its summer! XD

Bye's~!!

~♫My Silky love♫~

P.S: don't forget to feed the fishies!!! - - - - - >!!!

Summer...day 12...

ahh....

I once again realized that I'm wasting my time and my life by doing nothing...

ah...I am wasting my life...

Everyone around me seems so happy, they have a life, they do something...

I guess I am jealous, and I hate that...

but somehow...I got used to living like this...living in the dark, living all alone...

I love it when people are near me, when we have fun and talk, I love it when I have close friends with me...

but...I do hate it when they drift apart...when we stop talking...when the string of fate fades away...

It's useless, to try and tie that string again, it's useless...Because I would get hurt more and more...

I hate my lies, always saying 'its ok...' always smiling, always trying to look normal and act happy, while deep inside me Im just a lonely girl, scared of people and love, scared of getting hurt again and again...

I'm such a crybaby...always crying

always dreaming, dreaming...but knowing that if I keep dreaming I will get hurt more and more by this harsh reality...

I feel lonely...

as if no one ever care about me...

what is love?

what is friendship?

I don't even know why I always keep trying...

knowing that sooner or later I'll get hurt...

nothing will change if I move to one place or another

nothing will change if I graduate...

Ill still be the same

living in the same place

dreaming the same dreams

wishing the same wish over and over again...

I guess...for once...I got tired of trying

tired of smiling

tired of living...

I

just want to dream...

an eternal dream...

nothing has changed, right?

the only thing I'm sure of...

is that I'm afraid...

afraid of the future

that's why I avoid thinking of it...

I am...wasting my life

wasting every single second of this life...

how does it feel?

to have a life?

to be happy?

to have someone by your side?

I hate summer...

summer, days 6,7, 8, 9, 10 & 11!!

soooooooo I've actually have been busy/lazy and havent updated this blog in a while, well bad news, my computer somehow doesnt work that well u-u so im currently using the other laptop XD

Okay! mhhh...

Day 6:

I stayed in the house again...didnt do nothing...XD

Day 7:

Picture day!! my cousin stayed with us and we watched some of the world cup (spain lost...and I lost my pride, hopefully I'll recover that pride today xD ) and yeah, the pictures where okay I guess :S xD I swear I spent more than 30 min doing my hair T.T and then my mom had to help me with the make up (this only proves that im still not a woman...Im not good with make-up...anyways, I really dont care xD)

Day 8:

guess whose b-day is it? xD its my angel *-* Ireee~

Day 9:

umm...last minute cosplay? xD I ended up stabbing myself with a needle xD and yeah...

Day 10:

supercon!!...

It was okay, it wasnt that bad, okay I got bored...and I saw the creepy guy...im so glad he didnt saw me~ but when I saw him I swear my heart just stopped...it was sooo creppy ... u-u and then...yeah...mhhh...well my 'friend' that told me we would hang out lied and never called me once, its not the first time she ditches me, and im currently pissed of at her, but oh well, can't do anything about it, its better if I just forget about her for now... Besides that, the good part is that I got the watch from FMA ~ its epic, I have it with me now~ I love it, especially the 'tick tock' noise xDD and...my brother ended up buying a poster of luffy from OP (the poster is epic!) and a chibi ace (I got chibi luna and artermis from sailormoon~) and ...what else? for once we didnt buy any manga XD ah! my cousin and my friend bought swords~ lol

and lets not mention the onigiri problem... xD

Day 11:

yesterday....spent the day in the house, the day went fast, I woke up at 12 (I rarely wake up that late xD) and I didnt go out because I was dead...I couldnt walk T-T xD but in the end I ended up changing the way my room looked, move around some furniture and stuff, fixed the posters...etc xD

and today!!

Day 12? xD

mhhh..

worked out in the morning (finally! XD for once I stopped being lazy xD) and yeah...nothing interesting oh! I started watching toradora! its epic! I love it~

soo...yeah, i didn't put the most important thing...my friend ash called me last friday, and somehow gave me confidence to ask the guy I like to be my boyfriend, and hey...for once he said yes~ XDDD I'll see how things go~

umm..oh! I finally finished puru puchi yuushi or however you spell it...I cried in the last 3 ep. the last ep I had to watch it at 12 am hiding in my room xD I was crying so much... I was like 'they died...omg the revived...omg this is epic...' XD and kept on crying XD

so yeah

-sigh...-

I cant believe its still june...

time is going by sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo slow T.T

I def need to get a life...u-u

ahhhg!~ xD

no, I dont think ill get a life but...Ill get a cat after I graduate!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ (im so happy~ its going to be a baby and its going to be a girl and its going to be black and its name will be Bell-Bell~)

and then...Ill get a white male cat, its name will be knight~

xD

ahh...summer~ the perfect time to start re-writing everything...

not going to happen xD

so thats it, the end of these days~ xD

oh yeah....I forgot to mention what happened to me the other day...(it was actually really creeeeeeeeeeeeeeeppy T-T)

so, it was 9-10-ish pm, I was on the laptop and some random guy calls and im like 'hello?' and I dont remember what he said but he asked me 'are you busy sweetie?' and I kinda of freaked out there...I wa slike 'omg its a creeper!!! T-T' and then he called back 3 more times ( I never answered again xDD)

so yeah...

dw'sss~!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

-Miner-va~

~♫ Even though I'm not strong I'll catch you someday ♫~

Day 8

Detective Conan ova 10 Kid in Trap Island

sooo hellos!! I'm glad that the ova finally is out with subs!! The ova is mainly about kaito kid stealing some jewel (as always) but it's pretty interesting, I highly recomend it if you love kaito kid +.+!! XD
I consider it one of the best (I loveee kaito kid !! ) here I'll leave you the ova *-*!!












Ah! and thanks to DCTP[Detective Conan Translation Project] for the subs!! ^0^

summer Day 5!

ahh...didn't felt like writing more yesterday xD ...ahh I thought today was monday u-u xDD but its tuesday ._. anyways
yesterday was...bleh...

the morning was ok, but in the end I ended up kinda of mad T-T
thanks to my mom who tried to cheer me up~ xD
ahh...I'm still sleepy T-T I haven't slept well since ..who knows ...
ok, so yesterday I realized that I only clean my room every time I'm mad (or when oka-san yells at me and makes me clean it...) xD

good thing about yesterday: I finally put up my TRC poster!!
(which had fallen down some...weeks ago? xD)

and that's it xD

I ended up staying awake till 1 am T.T ... (this isn't gooood~ ._.)

oh, I also started watching puchi puri yuushi (princes yuushi! xD)
I feel like i'm a little kid again watching this anime x333 I remember that in the end I never had the chance to finish this anime ._. xD
(and again...I didn't watched romeo x juliet...)

oe, at least I studied!! XD


what else happened yesterday...? eh..nothing I guess ._.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh I feel like 'bleh' again...T.T (I think I need to sleep more...xD)

definition of bleh: theres no definition!! ^0^ my cousin says it alot so I kinda of say it too xDD

I need you baby, every night... ♪ love for ever and only one
just next stage resume and revive!! ♪ - Revive by Kuraki Mai *-*!!

ahhh...this saturday supercon...I feel like shit and I don't wanna go T.T It's useless now...xD

ahh...ok, im going to sleep some more, I can't write like this xD

G'night!!! (...its 12.42 pm...T.T I should make some food for my uni...T.T xD)



~Mine~

P.S: omg! I have these kawaii onion ppl in my blog! *-*!! xD

things to do over summer...T.T

ahh...so I'm going to make a list and do alllll these things +.+!!
ok, so..next year senior year (yay? xD) I have to study for the sat/act/cpt whatever! (still...the point is that I have to study...go mine go mine xDD...ok that just sounded like go minam...go mine..korean! LOL XDDD) ok...

Point one:
STUDY!!!!!!! T_______T

Point two:
study cuz I need to get my license or whatever it is...T.T

Point three:
study japanese!!!!...T_T

Point four:
stop being in the laptop all day!! ...I'm going to go blind if I stay any longer on the laptop... ._. (mom already yelled at me because of that T.T...but oee! it's sooo not my fault that I have no life..okay, maybe it is my fault xD)

Point five:
watch anime!! (no, watch/finish one piece, noir, romeo x juliet, xxxholic...I'm sure there's more...and this is without counting the dramas and mangas...xD)

Point six:
write...write...write...write...ahhg! T.T

Point seven:
finish alllll my cosplays!! (im soo lazy...ok, I have to finishi mokona which camed out bleh...and I have to finish my 2 nico robin cosplays...which hopefully will be done by today~)

Point eight:
Piano!!! I need to practice...xD

Point nine:
stop thinking about the future...I'm already going insane xD

Point ten:
theres a point 10?! o.O... xD

okay...for now...this is it...hopefully...hopefully the list will get a bit shorter by the end of summer...xD

anyways...I need to write...and read more books...I need more books T.T

so...im going to read! +.+

non morras~!!!

whats holding me back...?

After living here for 3 more years...I've camed to notice that my perspective of life has changed
I remember wishing, crying, dying because I wanted to go back, but...somehow I get the feeling that I wouldn't fit in even if I went back, maybe that's why I have to stay here...
But another side of me loves the idea of going back, but...which path is the one that I have to take?
I know that everything will be a llittle easier if I went back, back to where all my dreams were born...
But if I decide to stay here...I know for sure that it's not going to be the easiest path...I know that I would struggle and suffer along this path...
Some time ago someone asked me 'what's holding you back?' I keep thinking of an answer but I can't come up with one...
I don't even know why I keep trying...
man...it should rain now, that way maybe my thoughts will clear up a bit...
maybe that way...somehow I may be able to find an answer, an answer to all of these problems...

Weaver 「Hard to say I love you ～言い出せなくて～」 Eng///Kanji///Romanji

///Romanji

Hanarete ireba omoi dasu tabi ni tsunakute
Tonari ni itemo tsutaerare nai mama
Tsuyo gatte waratte ano hi bokura wa
Deaeta kono unmei saemo
Muki au koto ga dekinai deita

Hard to say I love you
Ienaku tatte dare yori kitto aishiteru
Kokoro wa fure ae nakutemo
Semete ima dake wa soba niite

Hard to say “You love me?”
Ienaku tatte mitsume teitai aishite yo
Kanau wa nai nante wakatte temo
Soredemo ii kimi jya nakya dame nanda
Uso ni nara nai you ni

Fureta yubi saki tsunagi tomerare nai riyuu wa
Chigau jinsei de koko made kita kara sa
Dekinai yo modokashii
Shinjita kotoba wo
Genjitsu ga yaburi sute tatte
Shinjiru koto ni sugari tsukuyo

Hard to say I love you
Donna toki datte
Uso ni dekinai ai na no ni
Tsutaeru koto wa kanau wanai
Setsunai yume no naka soredemo

Hard to see “I love you”
Namida ni natte kieteku you na ai jyanai
Onaji jimo no takusan motteru yo utshinae nai
Kimi jyan nakya dame nanda
Mienai ai ni furete

Nee bokura ga itsuka
Subete dakishime aeru sono yume wa
Yasashii hodo zankoku de
Naki souna hodo itoshii nda

Hard to say I love you
Ienaku tatte
Dare yori kitto aishiteru
Kokoro wa fure ae nakutemo
Semete ima dake wa soba niite

Hard to say “You love me?”
Ienaku tatte mitsume teitai aishite yo
Kanau wanai nante wakatte temo
Soredemo ii kimi jya nakya dame nanda
Uso ni nara nai you ni

///kanji

離れていれば
思い出す度に辛くて
隣にいても伝えられないまま
強がって笑って

あの日僕らは
出会えたこの運命さえも
向き合うことが出来ないでいた

Hard to say I love you
言えなくたって
誰よりきっと愛してる
心は触れ合えなくても
せめて今だけは側にいて

Hard to say “You love me?”
言えなくたって
見つめていたい愛してよ
叶わないなんてわかってても
それでもいい
君じゃなきゃ駄目なんだ
嘘にならないように

触れた指先
繋ぎ止められない理由は
違う人生でここまで来たからさ
できないよモドカシイ

信じた言葉を
現実が破り捨てたって
信じることにすがりつくよ

Hard to say I love you
どんな時だって
嘘にできない愛なのに
伝えることは叶わない
切ない夢の中それでも

Hard to see “I love you”
涙になって 消えてくような愛じゃない
同じものたくさん持ってるよ
失えない
君じゃなきゃ駄目なんだ
見えない愛に触れて

ねぇ僕らがいつか
全て抱きしめ合える その夢は
優しい程残酷で
泣きそうな程愛しいんだ

Hard to say I love you
言えなくたって
誰よりきっと愛してる
心は触れ合えなくても
せめて今だけは側にいて

Hard to say “You love me?”
言えなくたって
見つめていたい愛してよ
叶わないなんてわかってても
それでもいい
君じゃなきゃ駄目なんだ
嘘にならないように


///English

Whenever we’re apart, it hurts me every time I remember you

Even if you’re by my side, I couldn’t tell you the truth and

All I did was just bluffed and laughed

That day, although we could meet this destiny

We couldn’t face it

Hard to say I love you

Even if I can’t say it, I certainly love you more than anyone else

Although we can’t touch each other’s heart

Please be by my side, at least just for now

Hard to say you love me

Even if you can’t say it, I want you to look at me and

Love me

Although I know that this wish might not come true

It’s still alright

It has to be you

So it won’t be a lie

The reason that our wet fingers can’t stay connected

Is because we lived different lives until thus far; that’s why we can’t…

I’m frustrated

Even if the reality throws away the words I believed in…

I’ll hold onto my belief

Hard to say I love you

This love can’t be false at anytime

I can’t bring myself to tell you this

Even when I’m within my heart-rending dream

Hard to say I love you

This love is not the kind of love, which becomes tears and disappears

This loves comes with a lot of sadness

I can’t lose you; it has to be you

Touch my invisible love

Hey, we can embrace each other someday

The sweeter the dream, the crueler it is…

I love you so much that I could almost cry…

Hard to say I love you

Even if I can’t say it, I certainly love you more than anyone else

Although we can’t touch each other’s heart

Please be by my side, at least just for now

Hard to say you love me

Even if you can’t say it, I want you to look at me and

Love me

Although I know that this wish won’t come true

It’s still alright

It has to be you

So it won’t be a lie

Summer. Days 3-4

hi everyone who read this ~ (no one... T.T )
anyways, I tried and wanted to update the blog yesterday but stuff happened xD
so the weekend is here!!! *-* it started pretty good, watched more of the world cup in the morning, went to wall-mart with oka-san and oniiii-san~ xD and my friend invited me to go to the movies but after that she called me to see if I could stay the night with her (this might have been the last time I see here...shes already graduated T.T xDD) So... it was pretty much interesting.
mhh...well we went to her house, watched some more soccer ( 1-1 usa and england...tskkk!!) xD
6then we went to the sawgrass mall with her mom cuz she needed to do run some errands, after that we went to get dinner and o to the movies, the movie was ok, not the best thing in the world XD(watched karate kid XDD) the only special thing about the movie is that there was this epic awesome kid who had a mowhak and reminded me of T.O.P from big bang XDDD

so, after that I spent the night at her house (it was epic!!! XD ok, I've ben going to sleep at midnight all these days, and on sat I woked up early so I was really tired but I still somehoe managed to stay awake xD) We started playng some games *-* (uhm...the first on we tried was sonic heroes, i felt nostalgic and wanted to play that game, althought it ws then when we noticed the reason why both of us stopped playing that game...it frozed every single time...T.T) so after that game we played star...starocean I believe it was called xD It was good...not realistic!! the main character seemed to be in a cruise and the cruise was bein invaded by...random creatures xD and...yeah...it was a failure xD, we also played final fantasy 12 xD (we spent at least 5 min with that game xDDD) and after that...oh, we started reading manga and then we watched some dramas, we watched the first half of ep. 1 of Mr.Brain *-* It's the best drama ever!! *O* I felled in love with it xD (afterI finish writing this im going to watch some more Mr.Brain +.+, If you haven't watched it...go watch it NAO!! xD)
and then we watched another drama...xDD
and then we spent alot of time listening to music, we wanted to search for relaxing music (it was 2 am I think.. xD) and somehow we managed to listen to big bang...then f.t. island and she intruduced me to this new singer *-* (weaver I think it's the name~) so somehow we ended up listening to ring ding dong and then we watched a ranodm video of teletubbies dancing to ring ding dong (Could'nt stop laughing xDD)
then we started to see how good is Super Junior's english xD and then some 'accidents' some actors/singers had xDD
so yeah, we spent donig this and watching some anime until 5 am!!!(it is and was the first time in my life that I've stayed up so late...xDD and my mom had to come pick me up at 10 XDD)
but the tv was on and we watched adult swim, my friend said 'what anime is on at 5 am...?'
and I was like 'I believe inyasha starts at 5 am...xD' and then we hear from the tv 'hi, im kaede and this is my sister kikyo...' XDDD such a coincidence! xD
so after that we went to sleep and then my mom called me at 10 am waking me up cuz we had to run some errands too, in the end I haven't been able to sleep since this morning !! ( I was falling asleep watching sherlock holmes cuz we rented to movie and I had to watch it!! yes I am a SH fan *-*!!)

The only sad thing about this is that my dear polar bear/asian wasn't n my dream T.T xD (since summer started he has been in each of my dreams, and I really really miss him, I didn't even talked to him yesterday T^T hopefully I'll be able to talk to him tonight +.+ xD)

so yeah, next weekend supercon!! xD hoepfully it will be fun ("hopefully" I DO NOT want to get involved in more dramas that my friends have ... u-u )

anyways...in the next post I will put up the song I currently love <3

non morras~!!

Summer...!

Clases finally ended...but I really don't know if I should be happy or sad about it, either way I pretty much don't have a life ._.
soo...from now on I'm just going to use this as a summer diary ^-^

Well...what have I learn from junir year in high school...?
alot...u-u

Well, the main thing that I've learned is to becareful with your friends (?) I guess...

ok, worse thing of junior year? mhhmmm...first of all having the worse fight with my best friend T.T we both ended up crying alot... and I know it was kinda of my fault, but we haven't been talking in some time, and I felt as if she didn't cared about me anymore (I know...I'm stupid...)

the second thing (maybe one of the worst because of the pain) I've learned from this year is...to be carefull with who you may fall in love or have a crush with...

It's the first time I ever felt like this...I really do like him, and I still like him...
He was special, he made me smile every single time I saw him and talked to him, he was like a ray of sunlight that penetrated into the darkness of my heart... and somehow I could be myself with him. I've always had this strange Idea that my boyfriend should talk spanish, because sometimes it's really hard for me to be myself and express my self in english !xD

Well, then yesterday was my first day of summer, it was ok in the morning, started donig some para para! ^^ and I ended being kinda of hyper, but of course the hyperness died away and somehow I was depressed again u-u there was nothing to do, so In the end I turned off the laptop (which was on from 8 am till...3? xD) and started taking out all the papers from the school year and then I dumped them in the floor (it was fun!! I had epic dramatic piano music playing xD) and then I started taking pictures, I'll post them up here some day..(hopefully ^^'') I also listened to spain's radio station which can also be listened online *-*!!

Anyways...after that I talked with my stepdad and he liked the photos x33 (ok, he is a proffesional photographer xDD) so I got really happy. I'll probably take some more pictures today xD

I also started finishing My second nico robin cosplay (I'm cosplaying as nico robin from one piece for next week supercon) I'll post the pics of my cosplay once they're done!!

I also had an intense epic conversation with one of my friends from argentina xD we started talking about...koki! (kat-tun) and his song 'make u wet part 2' xD and yeah...that song did traumatized me alot...Now I love it *-*!! the way koki moves on the live version ~ sexyness~ XD but then I found this cute remix of the OP of lucky start and I showed it to her, and then I was like 'I wanna cosplay as konata' and she was like 'I am going to cosplay as her!!! x33' and we ended up with the idea of being konata twins !! XD then I camed up with this random idea 'what if the world ends up being like konata?! O_O' everyone would be like her!! XDD (girls=konatas xD boys=konatos XDDD) and then I started imagining koki version konata dancing to make u wet...XDDDD so yeah, that was one of the best things that happened yesterday xD

And yeah...Then at night I was going insane and started being even more depressed, I hate thinking about life...(im not going to write why because it would be thie third time I re-write it...)

anyways what i currently HATE now is THIS blog if it keeps erasing every single thing I write !!!!!!!!!! (yes there was alot that got erased and im just editing now xD)

(yes there was alot of comments here...i feel like life and destiny doesnt want me to publish this entry blog...xDDD)

time for some music~

ahh..I love super junior *pres the reset, pres pres the reset~*

ok, time to change the song *goes to itunes and changes to another song*

T____T why did THIS song camed out?! (It's without words by park something, its one of the ost's from the drama you're beautiful) man this song is sad... I can totally relate to it... *without words you showed me what is love, without words you showed me what is love~*

ok, next song!!

awwww!! *w* Namida! It's one of the endings of the anime skip beat~ man, I love this song, it always makes me happy, it cheers me up! *-*

Time to make my own lyrics!! (based of this song xD)

Aunque te caigas, siempre te levantar
con un poco de calor, te ayudre
no llores, no llores
siempre estare ahi~

quizas no me veas, peros iempre siepmre estare eternament en tu corazon
sabes? realmente me gustas, asi que tranquilizate, te cuidare eternamente

sorry that it's in spanish...XDDD
ok, next song +.+!!

YES!!!! *O* its the perfect song!!! (having a fangirl mooment)
the song is mysterious by Naifu, its one of the OP of DC

ok, next song x33 It's my lover!! *O* Miyavi!!!!!
next song:
bambino by breakerz~!!

* i got the bambino, the bambino
shake shake one night love
shake shake shake my soul* xD
this is def. Hiros main song *-*
why? because he is epic!! XDDD

extra info: so me and my friends came up with the idea of having real people be our characters
so for my character of Hiro I picked daigo because it fits him so well! right now im working on a MV of kyoko and hiro *-*!!( of course with sony vegas 8!! XD)

ok, it finished
nexttt!!

awww...this one reminds me of lunch with kaci and christine *-*!!
bo peep bo peep by ..was it tara o kara? xD

ok, next!xD


teriyaki boys from the movie furious and fast-tokio drift
this song reminds me of the most perverted guy I've meet in person...
My cousins besfriend...dani...=.=' but hey, hes still a cool guy XD
man...I cant believe I liked him.,,blehh...T.T xD hes just cute and thats it XD he fails at life xD


ah...next song

this song...just proves that in the end...I can't avoid being hispanic/spanish...
yo quiero bailar
tu quieres sudar
y pegarte a mi
el cuerpo rozar
yo te digo si tu me puedes provocar
eso no quiere decir que pa la cama voy~

I danced to this song In the end of yar school festival when I was in 6 grade...how embarassing T///T yeah..regueatton...xD really dont like it, i rarely like it...but i do love this song ahhg!!!

anyways he was some other comments about songs that got DELETED >.> because of this STUPID blog (yes at the moment im pissed of right now...baka blog!!!!!)

fml... xD

but im tired so after this one ill go
ll keep writing tomorrow~


non morras!!! (damn it sae-chan!! now im the one saying non morras XDD)
feels like insomnia, feels like imsomnia~